First off, let me say how grateful I am for all of the texts and visits and calls and emails and facebook comments. Although I was and am not ready to see anyone or respond to anyone or return any calls or messages, I have read/heard them and I love you for being so supportive.
Secondly, we are aware that this was an "unhealthy" pregnancy. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage which DOES NOT always result in a miscarriage, but it can and it did for us. If you read this article you will read what the worse case scenario can be and that was us to a T. I've had some sort of bleeding my entire pregnancy but nothing too scary or serious. Sunday evening I started to bleed blood clots and as the night went on they gradually got larger and I was in a lot of pain. By morning Joel and I were concerned enough that I made arrangements to go hear a heartbeat at my doctor's office. I was given the option for an ultrasound but knew I had to wait for an opening for that and understood as well that hearing a heartbeat was about as good of news as I could receive.
Monday morning we did hear a heartbeat and it was strong and active and not hard to find at all. I left the office feeling pretty confident however I was still in pain from all of the cramping and bleeding. I was told that I could take ibuprofen to relieve some of that pain as well as thin my blood so that the clots would not be so heavy and to try and get rid of the hematoma. Within one hour I twice had massive bleeding, both requiring a clothes change, shower and both occurring before I even took any sort of medication. At this point I opted to go in for the ultrasound to make sure there wasn't something that we missed.
At 2:30pm I had an ultrasound that showed no sign of any danger. We saw the baby, heard the heartbeat, saw that the hematoma had shrunken significantly and had all good news. I was assured that I could come in everyday, 5 times a day to hear a heartbeat and that 8 out of 10 women in my situation would carry their babies to term. HOWEVER, if you are reading this and have this issue, please note that I was bleeding heavier than a period for more than 24 hours. I was in a lot of pain due to cramping. My uterus was as hard as a rock. The warning signs for us were there but as long as there is a heartbeat the protocol is to wait and see. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this. I went home. I got in bed. I laid there doing NOTHING. Several hours later I had my first dose of ibuprofen for the pain and around 5:30pm I felt uncomfortable. I went to the bathroom and had more blood clots. I changed my sanitary items and started doing laundry since this was my 3rd clothes change for the day. Within minutes my water broke, I was already in labor, and I delivered a very tiny baby at home.
I went into momentary mental shock. I did NOT know this could happen. I was unprepared for this. I didn't know our baby was so big. I never thought that I would actually see, touch, feel our baby in the event of a miscarriage. I was not ready for this experience at all and I hope you will understand when I say, I don't want to talk about it. Joel and I were both traumatized by this and later that evening had our bishop come over to give us priesthood blessings for comfort.
YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING:
We brought the baby to the hospital with us. I don't know what they did with it. I was told that since I have had several successful pregnancies that it was unnecessary to do any testing or lab work. I was also told that they will tastefully take care of the body.
There was no gender. We were unable to determine whether or not it was male or female. It was simply too early. There was no birth certificate. This was classified as a miscarriage.
I did not have a D and C which stands for Dilation and Curettage. Even though I was already 13 weeks along, because I actually delivered the baby at home and later the placenta, sac and all that extra stuff at the ER it is unnecessary.
I did lose a lot of blood and have been very lightheaded. Yesterday I really couldn't stand for more than a couple of minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today I am much better in that regards. I'm still very tired.
My mom flew in yesterday to help us and she will be here until Saturday. Joel has been working but is more than helpful when he is home. My sister in law has been a life saver helping with the twins and doing so much even though she is 37 weeks pregnant and I'm sure this is really hard for her emotionally as well.
Joel and I are doing good. We believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and do not question why God may have had us suffer this. We know that we can be healed from this. We are faithful. The hardest part for us is the actual experience and not the situation.
The kids are doing really well. Miles sometimes hugs and kisses me and says he misses our baby. He really wanted to see it, but I thought it would be too scary for him. He wants to talk about it, and I have no problems with anyone talking to him about it cause he might really enjoy it. He also wants to be the one to tell people it happened so if he mentions it to you, act like it's the first you've heard of it and I think that would give him pleasure. We haven't told Landyn but only because we haven't seen him yet.
While we do still want to further grow our family, currently I am not ready to think about getting pregnant again. I'm still quite exhausted from this last one.
I know many of you have had miscarriages and realize now that I may have been insensitive to your situation.
I just really had no idea what a miscarriage could entail. I hope that if you felt I was ever less than tactful that you will forgive me. I now know how scary and heartbreaking this can be.
Secondly, we are aware that this was an "unhealthy" pregnancy. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage which DOES NOT always result in a miscarriage, but it can and it did for us. If you read this article you will read what the worse case scenario can be and that was us to a T. I've had some sort of bleeding my entire pregnancy but nothing too scary or serious. Sunday evening I started to bleed blood clots and as the night went on they gradually got larger and I was in a lot of pain. By morning Joel and I were concerned enough that I made arrangements to go hear a heartbeat at my doctor's office. I was given the option for an ultrasound but knew I had to wait for an opening for that and understood as well that hearing a heartbeat was about as good of news as I could receive.
Monday morning we did hear a heartbeat and it was strong and active and not hard to find at all. I left the office feeling pretty confident however I was still in pain from all of the cramping and bleeding. I was told that I could take ibuprofen to relieve some of that pain as well as thin my blood so that the clots would not be so heavy and to try and get rid of the hematoma. Within one hour I twice had massive bleeding, both requiring a clothes change, shower and both occurring before I even took any sort of medication. At this point I opted to go in for the ultrasound to make sure there wasn't something that we missed.
At 2:30pm I had an ultrasound that showed no sign of any danger. We saw the baby, heard the heartbeat, saw that the hematoma had shrunken significantly and had all good news. I was assured that I could come in everyday, 5 times a day to hear a heartbeat and that 8 out of 10 women in my situation would carry their babies to term. HOWEVER, if you are reading this and have this issue, please note that I was bleeding heavier than a period for more than 24 hours. I was in a lot of pain due to cramping. My uterus was as hard as a rock. The warning signs for us were there but as long as there is a heartbeat the protocol is to wait and see. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this. I went home. I got in bed. I laid there doing NOTHING. Several hours later I had my first dose of ibuprofen for the pain and around 5:30pm I felt uncomfortable. I went to the bathroom and had more blood clots. I changed my sanitary items and started doing laundry since this was my 3rd clothes change for the day. Within minutes my water broke, I was already in labor, and I delivered a very tiny baby at home.
I went into momentary mental shock. I did NOT know this could happen. I was unprepared for this. I didn't know our baby was so big. I never thought that I would actually see, touch, feel our baby in the event of a miscarriage. I was not ready for this experience at all and I hope you will understand when I say, I don't want to talk about it. Joel and I were both traumatized by this and later that evening had our bishop come over to give us priesthood blessings for comfort.
YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING:
We brought the baby to the hospital with us. I don't know what they did with it. I was told that since I have had several successful pregnancies that it was unnecessary to do any testing or lab work. I was also told that they will tastefully take care of the body.
There was no gender. We were unable to determine whether or not it was male or female. It was simply too early. There was no birth certificate. This was classified as a miscarriage.
I did not have a D and C which stands for Dilation and Curettage. Even though I was already 13 weeks along, because I actually delivered the baby at home and later the placenta, sac and all that extra stuff at the ER it is unnecessary.
I did lose a lot of blood and have been very lightheaded. Yesterday I really couldn't stand for more than a couple of minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today I am much better in that regards. I'm still very tired.
My mom flew in yesterday to help us and she will be here until Saturday. Joel has been working but is more than helpful when he is home. My sister in law has been a life saver helping with the twins and doing so much even though she is 37 weeks pregnant and I'm sure this is really hard for her emotionally as well.
Joel and I are doing good. We believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and do not question why God may have had us suffer this. We know that we can be healed from this. We are faithful. The hardest part for us is the actual experience and not the situation.
The kids are doing really well. Miles sometimes hugs and kisses me and says he misses our baby. He really wanted to see it, but I thought it would be too scary for him. He wants to talk about it, and I have no problems with anyone talking to him about it cause he might really enjoy it. He also wants to be the one to tell people it happened so if he mentions it to you, act like it's the first you've heard of it and I think that would give him pleasure. We haven't told Landyn but only because we haven't seen him yet.
While we do still want to further grow our family, currently I am not ready to think about getting pregnant again. I'm still quite exhausted from this last one.
I know many of you have had miscarriages and realize now that I may have been insensitive to your situation.
I just really had no idea what a miscarriage could entail. I hope that if you felt I was ever less than tactful that you will forgive me. I now know how scary and heartbreaking this can be.
foot and hand prints
the baby was about 4 inches long and fit inside this
10 comments:
Oh Sara. Thank you for sharing your story. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sara and Joel, my heart aches for you.
All my love.
I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you and your family. Remember that Heavenly father loves you and he is taking care of your little angle.
I know nothing anyone says will make you feel better and I am the type of person to keep my distance because I do not know how to react or "be there" for someone while dealing with these kind of things. but I when I went through mine I decided not to tell a soul and I believe that made the healing process harder. I wanted more than anything to have someone to cry to and almost called you many times. But as you so perfectly described it... it's just not that easy.
So please know we are thinking of you. My love is being sent your way and I pray for comfort very soon. The other thing I didn't take in consideration as much as I should have was Ryan's feelings. I was so traumatized by the whole thing that I became selfish in my sorrow. So the only advice I have is to allow Joel to mourn too and allow him to mourn with you. He too needs the love and comfort that you are so desperatly in need of.
I can promise you it gets better over time, but that baby will always be a part of you. Continue to hang in there and take your time recovering. Thank you for sharing! I know how hard that is and I honestly believe it will be very helpful in your recovery process. You are amazing!
I love the little foot and hand prints. What a wonderful way to keep a memory! I wish I had something like that.
I will warn you that being around pregnant woman will be hard for awhile and I will keep my distance especially for that reason. But you know where to find me and I am here for you 24/7!
Giant hugs and LOVE!!!
Ryan and LeDawn
This just tears my heart to pieces. I am so sorry for your loss. You are so loved by so many.
Hey Sara and Joel, we have been thinking and praying for you guys the past few days. I think alot of women never share the details of miscarriage, but thanks for having the guts to share your story. The hope shines through. I hope each day gets a little better.
Becky
That is so sad. I can't begin to imagine what it was like. Thank you for sharing these hard details. My heart goes out to you all.
Sara & Joel...we want you to know of our love for you both & for your little family. This is a very hard time for you right now & having been through a similar experience several years ago losing a little girl at 19 weeks pregnant we understand some of your feelings & emotions. I want you to know that time will heal some of this but there will be many days when you will look back & remember this little one. There will be good days & some bad ones too but you have each other & many friends & family that you can draw strength from. You have a loving Heavenly Father & a Savior, Jesus Christ, who will help to lift this from you too. Please know of our love & prayers for you all!!
Love you, Sara.
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