So the past couple of days have been really hard on me. Ever since we've left the hospital all I've been doing is trying to get the babies to nurse and pump so that they can have an all breast milk diet. (one of the criteria for coming home is that they need to be eating on their own and right now they've got a feeding tube which takes care of all but 3 of their feedings which I'm trying to do) It's really slow and go and it's a lot of work for these two to nurse. Even when they do latch on and get a good flow going, they aren't really strong enough to take in enough milk to sustain them. It's been a slow process BUT the past two days they seem to have regressed. Of course I can't help but feel like I'm the one to blame and that if I could produce more milk or somehow make it easier for them they would just be able to do it. All of the nurses and their pediatrician have been really supportive but it's hard not to feel responsible for ever move these kids make. And to top it off I'm tired and extremely hormonal.
Well, last night our babes got some roommates. A set of identical twin girls were born. They are 38 weeks and just adorable. This morning when I went in to feed the babies I noticed that the new twins were already in the nursery. I can't tell you how jealous I was that they were already out of the NICU. And not like I was hoping they'd be in the NICU but I just felt overwhelmed that my babies are still struggling. (with the feedings not anything else) So there I am feeling so sorry for myself and my situation when it happened. I'm in the NICU with my babies when I hear one of the nurses say, "I need someone to help me show this mom her new babies. It's the first time she's seeing them. She just flew in." These sentences didn't make sense to me so I peak around the corner to see what's going on. Two nurses hold up these babies for the
adopting mother to see her new daughters for the first time. She stood on the other side of the window bawling and just so full of love and joy for this gift that someone had given her. I sat back in my seat and thought how ungrateful I am for the blessings that I've been given. I thought, I'm sure there are many women who would gladly take my place and sit in the NICU with a "feeder/grower" baby and just be happy that they have a baby at all...AND I've got TWO!!!
I'm not going to lie, the nursing continues to be a struggle, and I have spent some time in tears over it. However, Scarlett and Isaac really were so easy for me. Joel and I got pregnant the first month we tried to get pregnant. I didn't have any severe problems with my pregnancy and the fact that I went into preterm labor just ensured that they got the steroid shot to help with the lung development which has NEVER been an issue for my little premies. They are healthy and beautiful, and we have excellent insurance so we feel no stress about them being in the hospital except for that we want them home with us. I am so grateful for perspective, and I hope I can keep it with me as we spend these next days or weeks in the hospital.
all of our children together for the first time 01.30.09
6 comments:
Sara-
It's OK, give yourself a break. Remember you are doing your best! If they are feeding as much it's time to go to formula or whatever your doctor says. I'm sure it's hard to not have the same situation that you had with Miles breastfeeding but trust me this could be a huge blessing. You never know why your in a trial until usually much later. The adoption story just wiped me out. What a cool expereince for her. I wonder where her husband was and why she got to the babies first. So cool Sara, you have had so many neat things happen recently. Remember the guy who was hired to play Christ. That was so cool that he showed up at whatever event you were at and shared the story with you. In turn, you shared with us.
Thank you.
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing! I feel like every time I start to feel sorry for myself, when Ben gets sick, I am reminded how blessed I am to have him and that everything will be alright in the end. Even if things don't always go exactly how I had planned for them to go. Your babies are so beautiful. I'll keep you guys in my prayers!
the picture of all 4 kids is so precious! hang in there girl! with each of my babies the nursing took some adjustment on both sides. you have a lot of factors that come in to play thats making the situation more challenging, but it will all turn out ok!
I had a really hard time with breastfeeding for a number of reasons and I really struggled with the guilty feelings like I was a horrible mom because I couldn't make it work. La Leche League, don't come after me...I know breast is best, but I bottle fed all 3 of my kids...Taylor at 8 weeks, Dakota at 6 weeks, and Cooper at a few days old and all 3 kids are healthy, strong, and we definately aren't lacking in the bonding department. In fact, Coop started on formula the soonest and he is the most obsessed with me. To make a long comment longer...I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can breastfeed, great, if things don't work for whatever reason, don't beat yourself up. We are lucky to live at a time where we have other options if things don't go according to plan. If you do bottle feed, I recommend the nuk ortho nipple that has a slow flow. I was told by a lactation consultant that it works the jaw muscles similarly to breastfeeding and they can regulate when they are full a little easier because the milk doesn't go shooting down their throats (so less spit up). You are doing so great, Sara, whatever you do I'm sure will be the best for your babies, just trust yourself :)
Sara, I am sorry that nursing has been a struggle for you, but I know before long this will all seem like a distant memory and those beautiful babies will be home in your arms where they belong.
The picture of the boys with their new sibs is absolutely amazing.
Love to you guys and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
It's awesome for Miles and Landyn that they EACH have a baby to hold. We will keep all of you in our prayers.
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